Out-of-Sync Gadget Transformed Into Defensive Machine

After the Rangers collective contraption blew a gasket against the Ottawa Senators on October 13, when they gave up 3 goals in 52 seconds, I described them as being “like a rich kid’s rendition of an out-of-sync gadget thrown together for a science class project”. Link to October 13 article.

This description* actually made a Philadelphia Flyers fan (JD FLYGUY) write: “You have no idea how much that made my day. I think I have a new favorite quote. That's pure genius”. Link to JD FLYGUY’s quote (in comments section).

The irony is that after shutting out the Flyers 2-0 tonight, the Rangers seemingly out-of-control science project is beginning to resemble a defensive Frankenstein, which was masterminded by a mad hockey genius.

Having given up only 2 goals in their last 4 games, 8 goals in their last 8 games, and a league low 23 goals in 14 games, the Rangers find themselves as the league’s top defensive team with a GAA of 1.64.

The Rangers, who’ve amazingly also scored a league low 1.78 goals per game, have obviously found the answer to their season-long offensively offensive woes—the best offense is a good defense, combined with a royal goalie (King Henrik Lundquist).

Humorist’s Hindsight: In the NOT DEAD YET category, Brendan Shanahan is trying to bury the October 17 pronouncement by myself and former Rangers statistician, Nomar Goles, that his goal scoring ability is “dead”. Shanahan has scored 3 goals in his last 4 games, including resurrecting his patented one-timer against the Flyers tonight.

In figuratively trying to stay off the “corpses’ cart” that was immortalized in the classic film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Shanahan has not only proclaimed his goal scoring as being “not dead yet” with his recent surge, but he was also overheard after tonight’s game saying, “I feel happy. I feel happy”.

*The original quote that JD FLYGUY responded to was “like a rich kid’s rendition of a gadget thrown together for a science class project”. I later added “out-of-sync”.

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

No More Nomar—With Nomar Goles to Tally, Slats' Stats Man Goes Out ... Then Sather Says Let Seymour Goles Go In

NEW YORK—New York Rangers general manager, Glen Sather, announced today that team statistician, Nomar Goles, resigned shortly after the Blueshirts 1-0 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins. The search for his replacement, however, didn’t last very long.

Apparently Goles had been under a lot stress since the Rangers opening night’s 5-2 victory over the Florida Panthers. Since that game, Goles was deeply concerned because the Rangers simply weren’t scoring many.

Having been shutout in two consecutive games, scoring only 8 goals in the last 7 games, and posting a league low 13 goals for the season, the only name the supposedly high-powered Rangers have been living up to is Nomar’s.

According to Goles, he felt personally responsible in some way. “It’s as though my name has put a curse on the whole team. I told Glen (Sather) on Sunday that the team might be better off not having me around. With my brother (who was an unemployed statistician) available and just as technically qualified as me, it seemed like a good idea to make a change,” said Goles.

On Tuesday night, apparently Sather agreed. Having watched Nomar Goles for the past two games, Sather said, “let Seymour Goles go in and hope that we start winning”. And with that, Nomar resigned and his brother, Seymour, immediately was in as the Rangers new statistician.

“It’s all for the best. I felt like the Maytag repairman for much of the season. Not having any work to perform is sometimes harder than having too much. I also took a lot of flack from what happened last week,” Nomar said.

Nomar was referring to having pronounced Brendan Shanahan’s goal scoring ability “dead” last Wednesday. The obituary entitled: R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons was published by the Hockey Humorist on October 17.

As to whether the new team statistician, Seymour Goles, might be willing to alter his brother’s findings on Shanny’s scoring ability, Seymour is uncommitted. “I’ll have my eye on Shanahan’s goal scoring, but I’ll have to see more,” said Seymour.

Meanwhile, Sather remains optimistic that this move will help the Rangers turn their disappointing season around. “Seymour Goles is a name that the whole team can rally around. It will be our new battle cry. Besides, at this point I’ll try just about anything,” said Sather.

Humorist’s Hindsight: Let’s hope that this same-day double play works out better than the last one Sather pulled. After signing both Scott Gomez and Chris Drury within hours of each other on July 1, the yearly $14+ Million dollar duo has combined to average barely over a half a point per game each (9 points in 16 combined games), while showing very little chemistry with their linemates.

I also find it quite interesting that both Nomar Goles and the Hockey Humorist received quite a bit of criticism over what was said in R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons.

Today, Larry Brooks of the New York Post and Dubi Silverstein of the Blueshirt Bulletin both expressed their concerns over whether Shanahan’s age is a factor in Shanny’s scoring decline. Here are the links: Post and Blueshirt Bulletin.

Brooks even quotes some of the same statistics that I used in several of my articles, such as the fact that Shanahan had only “scored six goals in 29 games before his Feb. 17 concussion” last year. Too many Ranger fans either seem to be unaware of these facts or are just ignoring them.

Although Shanahan’s scoring may have stopped, my pursuit of this subject matter will not.

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

Big Scoop Needed to Clean-Up Blueshirts' Bullshit After Blueland Blowout

ATLANTA—Bottom-feeding Atlanta was the latest team to “kick the crap” out of the Rangers … and boy did it stink!

Bolstered by boisterous Blueland* boosters, the Thrashers thoroughly throttled the Rangers throughout tonight’s tilt. The game’s final score of 5-3 was no indication of how one-sided it was for 50 minutes.

Although one could say that Rangers goaltender, Henrik Lundquist, was good enough to keep the Rangers in the game early, it is a moot point because the Rangers didn’t bother to show up for the game at all.

Before the Rangers finally exerted themselves midway through the third period, Atlanta had already built an insurmountable 4-0 lead on goals by Pascal Dupruis, Slava Koslov, Todd White and Bryan Little. Marian Hossa later added the fifth Thrasher goal.

Third period goals by Dan Girardi, Brendan Shanahan** and Scott Gomez would have given the Rangers a respectable result, if they hadn’t just lost to an Atlanta team who came into the game with a record of 0-6-0 and a league worst 4.50 goals against average.

In reality the Rangers play dropped another level, going from the gutter to the sewer.

In trying to direct blame at specific Ranger players, the human body unfortunately doesn’t have enough fingers (or toes) to accomplish the task. But one player who simply cannot escape my finger’s poke is Rangers defenseman, Thomas Pock.

Pock, perpetually posing as a practice pylon, proved to be the perfect replacement for much-maligned, Marek Malik. Although Pock had his share of giveaways (with at least one egregious offender), he probably didn’t quite match Malik’s nightly quota. This, however, was only because Pock was too busy watching Thrashers skate around him all night, while letting other Thrashers plant themselves in front of the net as goals were being scored.

Overall, Pock had a minus 2 rating for the evening and was on the ice for 3 of Atlanta’s 5 goals.

Even the three late Ranger power play goals weren’t much consolation for the Blueshirts special teams, because the Rangers managed to give up 2 power play goals and a short-handed goal themselves.

This chemistry experiment is quickly turning into a dismal failure, while mad professors, Tom Renney and Glen Sather, desperately continue their search for the missing combination of ingredients. Should they fail to find the winning formula, the Rangers laboratory will soon be boarded-up and declared a disaster area by New York governor, Eliot Spitzer.

*Blueland is the nickname for Atlanta’s home rink, Philips Arena.

Humorist’s Hindsight: **That was no misprint—Brendan Shanahan actually scored a goal. This just goes to show you that even an old, broken clock is right twice a day. Now should Shanny net another 25 or 30 goals this season, I will be happy to issue a public apology over my last post entitled: R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons.

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons

NEW YORK—Brendan Shanahan’s goal scoring ability has died after more than 19 highly successful seasons in the NHL.

The attending statistician, Nomar Goles, pronounced Shanahan’s scoring “dead” after a final but futile effort to resuscitate it during the waning moments of the Rangers 3-1 defeat to Ottawa last Saturday.

“Mr. Shanahan’s goal scoring ability had been in a steady state of decline for nearly a year now,” said Goles.

In his final 38 regular season games of 2006-2007, Shanahan scored only 7 goals on 154 shots—a shooting percentage of 4.5%. In this season’s first 5 games, Shanahan has scored 0 goals on 32 shots, including a goalless 13 shot performance against Ottawa on his “goal scoring deathbed” last Saturday.

“At the end, his vital statistics showed no signs of life,” said Goles.

Goles was also quick to point out that Shanahan’s concussion from last year was not a contributing factor to his scoring demise. According to Goles, in the 29 games preceding the concussion Shanahan had only scored 6 goals on 116 shots—a shooting percentage of 5.2%.

“This was just a matter of age finally catching up to a great former goal scorer,” Goles said somberly.

Shanahan’s scoring is survived by 627 regular season NHL goals and 58 NHL playoff goals. No final arrangements have been announced.

Humorist’s Hindsight: I want to make it crystal clear that the obituary (above) was figuratively referring to the “goal scoring ability” of Brendan Shanahan. It was not in any way meant to be a literal obituary for the man, Shanahan, who is physically alive and healthy.

Furthermore, I admire Shanahan as a person and still in some ways as a player. He is not only a class act, but also a great leader in the locker room, a hard working player, and a formerly great goal scorer. I wish him a long, healthy and happy life after his playing days are over.

As a Rangers fan, however, I’m hoping that his playing days are over ASAP. As the statistics prove, his goal scoring ability (at least in the regular season) has virtually disappeared since December 9, 2006.

Also, since he has been on Broadway, Shanahan has showed no chemistry with Jagr, Prucha, Gomez, or Drury—thus ruining most lines on which he’s played. Because he also can’t score on the power play and nobody is scoring goals on defections or rebounds off his power play shot, he has no business being on either power play unit.

Shanahan’s outrageously inflated salary this season of $5.3 million is a cap crippling calamity, whose effects will be felt both this season and next. With a little luck, maybe Shanny has been talking with Chuck (Charles Schwab) about structuring a “Retirement Plan for Old Man Shanahan”. And if Shanahan is the team-first person that he claims to be, then he will implement that retirement plan before his bonus sets in, because that course of action is truly in the best interest of the team.

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

Combustible Chemistry Causes Rangers to Self-In-Sen-erate in 52 Seconds

NEW YORK — In one of the oddest reported occurrences of spontaneous human combustion, 19* men simultaneously blew up in front of over 18,000 horrified witnesses.

Although the entire explosive event took less than a minute, one scientist, who happened to be on hand, had a handle on how it happened.

“Whenever you combine very potent and efficient Canadian firepower with MSG ice, sloppy defensive play and too many new player combinations, there is always a small chance of having this kind of freakish result,” said Korean chemical engineer, Yu B. Sik.

Fortunately, since the fireworks finished so fast, the fire department never had to be called. Although Ranger head coach, Tom Renney, was unavailable for comment, Brendan Shanahan took “a shot” at giving the players’ explanation for the Manhattan Meltdown. Unfortunately, like all of his other shots this year, Shanahan was off target with his comments—missing the microphone by a good two feet.

Amazingly, despite the horrific happenstance, all 19* players survived and are expected to be in the lineup Thursday against Atlanta.

*I gave backup goalie, Stephen Valiquette, an exemption because he didn’t play. However, this is only an honorary exemption, because had Valiquette been in net, things might have gotten worse yet.

Humorist’s Hindsight: Let’s face it. Even if the Rangers hadn’t self-imploded by giving up 3 goals in that minute of misery, they had no chance against the vastly superior Senators. Ottawa was so clearly the better team in every phase of the game. This includes being bigger, faster, more skilled, quicker to the puck, more physical, having a better transition game, etc.

At this point Ottawa is like a well-oiled, fine-tuned industrial machine, while the Rangers are like a rich kid’s rendition of an out-of-sync gadget thrown together for a science class project. It seems hard to believe that in the next 6 months the Rangers are going to be able to catch up with their Canadian counterparts.

It also doesn’t help that the Rangers have next to nothing left in the salary cap kitty (sorry tdr) with which to purchase any meaningful machine parts before the trade deadline.

At the moment, I can only think of 2 funny aspects to the Rangers slow start to the season:

1) That anyone could have seriously believed the Rangers were Stanley Cup contenders, given that they will almost certainly have to get past Ottawa in the playoffs, and

2) That Glen Sather shelled out over $5 million to Brendan Shanahan this season, believing that he was still a formidable goal scorer—despite all the contrary evidence over Shanahan’s last 38 regular season games of 2006-2007. Details of Shanahan's "sinking ship of a scoring shot" from last season are found in the middle of this August 3rd article.

With 5 more goalless games to start this season, Shanny’s Fanny is going to get an “old” fashioned, verbal butt kicking by the Hockey Humorist in posts that will appear sometime before Thursday’s game in Atlanta.

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

How Sather “Dropped His Briefs” to Let Sean Avery Escape .... In a White Ford Bronco???

In the worst jurisprudence blunder since the Simpson prosecutors allowed O.J. to handle his own gloves on the witness stand in the 1995 “Trial of the Century”, Rangers general manager, Glen Sather, has made a “bloody mess” of the entire Sean Avery affair.

Please understand that I’m not trying to equate the injustice of a double homicide with the incompetence of a poorly executed contract negotiation, as this would be highly insensitive to the homicide victims and their families. However, there are two scarcely mentioned (yet undeniable) links between the New York Rangers and O.J. Simpson. The first part of this irrevocable bond occurred on June 17, 1994, when just hours after the Rangers and their fans celebrated the recent Stanley Cup victory with a downtown ticker tape parade, Simpson & Co. (inside the White Ford Bronco) began their historic “slow speed chase” with the LAPD. The second (more indirect) link was that the insatiable public appetite for anything and everything Simpson-related (after the car chase), along with the accompanying “media circus”, forced Sports Illustrated to place Simpson’s police mug shot on the front cover of their next issue – a spot that SI was unquestionably reserving for the story about how the Rangers had finally ended their 54 year curse (1940-1994).

And speaking of curses (while getting back to Avery), if Rangers fans thought that the 54 year hex was a “bitch to bear”, it might be nothing compared to what awaits them after next summer. Because at that time (barring a miraculous and unlikely reconciliation), Avery, who is already known on the ice as trash-talking, vindictive, contentious and the “most hated player in NHL” (as voted on by his peers), will hit the UFA market with a chip on his shoulder the size of Mount Everest, along with a venomous vendetta aimed directly at Sather and (by default) his entire organization. And the most unfortunate aspect to this entire debacle is that it could have been so easily avoided – several different ways.

The first way Sather could have avoided the Avery ordeal focuses on the root cause of the problem – which is the Rangers tight salary cap numbers. When Slats signed premier UFAs, Scott Gomez and Chris Drury, for a combined $14.4 million per cap year, it put a noose around the Rangers “cap collar”, which has been tightened a notch by each additional signing - with only the Matt Cullen trade providing any slack. It’s far too early to judge the Gomez/Drury signings with so many factors to be determined down the road, such as: how well the two play on Broadway, how much longer some of the other highly paid veterans play, how well the Rangers low-salaried prospects pan out over the next few years, how the salary cap upper limit fluctuates in upcoming years, etc.

I also can’t find fault with the signings of Prucha, Lundquist and Hossa, as the cap realities in addition to the three players wanting to be part of this year’s potential Cup run, allowed all parties to come to fairly amicable, short term resolutions. There is one glaring exception here – Brendan Shanahan.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Shanahan as much as the next Rangers fan, and I’m delighted that he’s back with the team. He provides leadership, character, professionalism, team spirit, versatility, endless hustle, and even occasional goals. Occasional? I will clarify this with cold, hard facts. After his stellar scoring stampede of the first 29 games (22 goals on 141 shots, 15.6% SP), Shanahan’s scoring stumbled sharply in the next 29 games (6 goals on 116 shots, 5.2% SP). These are his pre-concussion stats. In the final 9 games of the season, he scored 1 goal on 38 shots with a 2.6% SP – giving him a total of 7 goals on 154 shots (4.5% SP) over his last 38 regular season games. One could argue that he is a streaky player who was in a slump - but for 38 games (29 pre-concussion) I don’t buy it.

Notwithstanding a fine 5 goal (12.2% SP in 10 games) playoff performance, which I admit does give me a little bit of reservation here, it would seem that Shanahan’s days as a 40-50 goal scorer are behind him. Furthermore, Shanahan didn’t show particularly good chemistry with several linemates (Prucha being the most glaring), nor with Jagr on the Power Play. Far too often Shanahan’s presence on a line caused his linemates to focus primarily on feeding him the puck for his classic one-timers – which is just fine – if he scores on them a lot more than the 4.5% of the time he did over the last 38 regular season games.

My point is that at age 38 (soon to be 39) Shanahan has become somewhere between a valuable role player and a star, and he should be paid accordingly. Given the fact (much to his credit) that Shanahan didn’t want to talk to other teams so he could be part of a potentially special Ranger squad this year, and that he essentially said he would do anything that made financial sense for the Rangers to help accomplish this goal, it seems to me that $5.3 million ($2.5 counting towards this year’s cap) is ridiculously high. At most he should have received the $4 million ($2 million salary & $2 million bonus) he earned last year, or even $3 million ($1.5 million salary & $1.5 million bonus). Had Sather paid Shanahan reasonably, he would have had another $500,000 to $1 million of salary cap room this year that could easily have been sent Avery’s way to avoid any arbitration and the ensuing consequences.

In fact, if it ever came down to prioritizing between Avery and Shanahan (in this stage of their careers), I’d choose Avery. The Rangers went 17-6-6 with Avery in the lineup. In games that Avery played and Shanahan didn’t, the Rangers went 8-3-4. In games that Shanahan played and Avery didn’t, the Rangers went 25-24-4. Certainly a stingier defense and sharper goaltending were big factors in the Rangers surge to the playoffs, but Avery was perhaps the biggest single factor in the Rangers remarkable turnaround last season.

As Larry Brooks of the New York Post wrote it in this article - Avery added “a jagged edge to a team that had been way too smooth for its own good the first four months of the season”. Avery, at age 27 and in his prime, got under the skin of his opponents - drawing far more penalties than he took. He displayed never ending energy, hustle and grit – while proving that he also had plenty of speed, skill and scoring ability. He kept himself in control (just enough) to be an extremely effective player without overly rocking the Rangers burgeoning boat along the way. And on top of all this, he played with an assortment of injuries that would have kept many a tough competitor out of the lineup.

Let’s face it, when the Rangers trashed the Thrashers in that four game playoff mercy killing, was there any Ranger more valuable than Avery? In addition to his offense output of 1 goal and 4 assists, Avery had the Thrashers top line so uncomfortably pestered that they looked as though they were skating in circles the entire series in search of insect repellent. No doubt, Avery has become a player whose intangible value is almost immeasurable. And for the first time in his career, Avery has built a connection with the fans, his team and their city. They love Avery, and in turn, Avery loves playing for them. This nomad had finally found a home.

Now all of this is not to say that Avery wasn’t in need of an attitude adjustment when he first arrived with the Rangers – a procedure that quickly and somewhat surprisingly was deemed a success (much to the credit of Shanahan). However, as we’ve discussed, attitudes weren’t the only thing in Rangerland that needed adjusting. Just like piano strings have to be tuned every once in awhile, I’d say that Sather’s purse strings (as well as his priorities) could have used a fine tuning before July 1 – with some purse strings being far too loose while others being far too tight. Had Slats been tuned in time, Avery could have been rewarded for his outstanding efforts from last season, and the ugly events of the past week could have been avoided.

But even after the fiscal mistakes (detailed above) were in the rear view mirror, Sather could have driven the dangerous Avery (and all his personal baggage) to safety, if not for the second of his three mistakes – not settling before the arbitration hearing on the obvious $2 million compromise. This is something that everybody with at least one marble rolling around in their head knew was going to happen anyway. The Blueshirt Bulletin summarizes its best in a post entitled: Why Bother?

Why didn’t both parties meet around the $2 million range – given that the numbers submitted at arbitration were $2.6 million by Avery and $1.3 million by Sather? Perhaps it was mutual stubbornness by two people with a history of having rather contrary dispositions. Right now it is unclear if either side offered the $2 million compromise and other side refused. If Avery was the one to refuse, then most of the blame would point at him. However, Sather’s reputation for playing hardball with his RFA entrants, make him the odds on favorite in this blame-game derby.

Still, despite these “comedy of errors”, the real damage had not yet been done. The third way this fiasco was avoidable would have been if Sather had used a more long-sighted, diplomatic approach throughout the arbitration process. Had he done so, Slats wouldn’t have pushed the volatile Avery into feelings of shock, resentment and disbelief. The handling of Avery, both on the ice and in negotiations, is as delicate a task as handling Nitroglycerine. Done properly, and Avery becomes a powerful weapon capable of helping you win wars. Done carelessly, and Avery can blow up in your face.

I realize that Avery and Sather both signed the arbitrator’s $1.9 million peace offering and that both sides are now talking “nice-nice”. But Avery’s initial reaction to Sather’s overly harsh treatment of him during the arbitration process is proof that Slats had already dropped the Nitro, and the inevitable explosion will come next summer.

Ordinarily the story would end here because we all know what happened and why it happened … or do we? It turns out that up until now, we’ve only been presented with a partial picture of the events surrounding the arbitration process. However, brand new evidence from a strange, yet somewhat familiar, source will astound even the hardened hockey fan.

The source I speak of is now a part-time European scout for the Rangers. He is a Finnish man with a somewhat Czech-ered past, including a stint as an actor in both Finland and the Czech Republic. Having a hard time making ends meet, he once appeared in a Finnish porn film – getting a good “bang for the buck”. This scout, who is extremely affable, has a magnetic personality – especially when it comes to beautiful women. He understands the English language quite well when heard or in writing, but he barely speaks a word of it. He is very popular with the Rangers brass when he comes to New York – not the least of which is because of his reputation for knowing how to find all the best European hotspots and parties in Manhattan. So when he comes to town, it’s nothing for Ranger employees to “put him up” in their guest houses. Wait a minute…guest houses? It couldn’t be….. could it? Remember, I said he was Finnish, so you know that we’re not talking about Kato. His name is actually Reijo – Reijo Raitinen.

According to Raitinen, Sather was very thorough in his preparation for the Avery arbitration hearing - gathering documentation on Avery’s entire career. Contrary to popular belief, Slats put together a fair, reasonable outline that effectively stated the Rangers case without being overly harsh to Avery. Sather intended to use the information contained in the outline to create a brief for the arbitration proceedings.

The night before the Rangers had to present the Avery brief to the arbitrator, Sather and a lower-level, but trusted, assistant were having coffee at local bistro. All of the Avery documentation was in Sather’s briefcase when Slats and his assistant went to the men’s room to answer nature’s cappuccino call.

Both men were standing at the urinals when Sather (with one hand holding his briefcase) used his other hand to loosen his own belt. It is at this time when Sather endured the executive embarrassment of eternity, which began when Slats’ slacks slipped (try saying that 3 times fast). Then, while trying to grab his trousers, Sather’s hand hooked his Hanes – accidentally pulling them down. And when I say that Sather “dropped his briefs”, I mean that Sather really dropped his briefs – as the Avery documents came tumbling out of his briefcase and all over the grungy bathroom floor. Bottomless, bewildered and berserk, Sather frantically put the papers back in the folders. However, in his haste Slats placed the papers from Avery’s “Pre-Rangers” folder into the “2007 Arbitration” folder and vice-versa.

Completely pressed for time now, Sather handed his “2007 Arbitration” folder to his assistant, who then couriered them to Cam Hope, the Rangers Assistant General Manger of Hockey Operations. Then against all hope, Cam wrote the final arbitration briefs from misplaced documents out of the wrong folder. The Avery briefs presented to the arbitrator said (among other disparaging verbiage) that Avery was “a reasonably effective player as well as a detriment to the team”. This statement is absolutely true - from 1999 to February 4, 2006. Shortly after February 5, 2006 (the day he was traded to the Rangers) we all know that Avery was an extremely effective player who was a major asset to the team.

By the time of the arbitration date, July 30, the briefs had already been submitted to the arbitrator. Sather had since discovered the mistake, but it was too late - they had to proceed with what they had previously written. As Sather and Hope (soiled briefs and all) stormed into the hearing, they replaced Simpson detectives, Tom Lange and Philip Vannatter, as the latest version of “Dumb and Dumber”. Of course, the ultimate irony in this fantastic farce is that it was never a case of premeditated mediation mangling (as commonly believed), instead it was a case of unplanned underwear undermining.

You may ask how did Reijo learn the details of the “Brew House Brief Bungling”? Apparently the night of July 30, while “hanging” at the Rangers corporate offices, he heard three mysterious, loud thumps. Quite concerned, Reijo had a secretary call the police. After detectives investigated the incident, they discovered no signs of burglary or foul play. Instead, the sounds actually came from Sather himself, who had pounded his fist on desk three times in anger over the day’s events.

You may also ask how do I know Reijo? Well, it turns out that we have a mutual friend – the girl he costarred with in that Finnish flesh flick. She and I have what you might call a ….uh-hum….professional relationship.

How will all that transpired affect the Rangers in the short-term? Ironically, it could help them. With Avery playing like man possessed next year (trying to earn a big UFA payday) and the Rangers having a very strong team already, a little luck and some timely tinkering by the otherwise competent Sather could result in another ticker tape parade down the Canyon of Heroes next June. Certainly, the Rangers are considered contenders for the Cup, but in all likelihood their chances of winning it are relatively low. As good as they are, the Rangers still have a number of holes to fill, and the very competitive nature of the NHL, makes it difficult for any team to win it all.

As for the long-term consequences of the Avery affair - fear not, I have no doubt that one day the Rangers will again “Skate the Cup”. The only problem I have with this prediction is that of timing - given that the Rangers big day might well be the same day that O.J. and his posse of PIs make good on their 1994 promise and catch the “real killer”. Which leads to my final word of warning to Ranger fans - don’t hold your collective breaths while waiting for the next Stanley Cup. With the “Avery Curse” soon to be hanging over the Rangers heads, this wait may “last a lifetime”.

DISCLAIMERS:
Everything written after (and including) the paragraph that begins “Ordinarily the story would end here…” is completely fabricated – a figment of my “slightly-warped” imagination. To the best of my knowledge Slats' slacks never slipped, and every fan’s favorite Finnish house guest, Reijo Raitinen, does not actually exist – but it was sure fun partying with him!

Courtesy of The Hockey Humorist - http://hockeyhumorist.blogspot.com/

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Report: Lundqvist Deal Could Come Today

John Dellapina of the New York Daily News reports that with the Rangers finalizing the deal to keep Brendan Shanahan in New York for one more season, the Blueshirts immediate focus is on inking Franchise Goaltender Henrik Lundqvist to a one-year deal to avoid salary arbitration. Dellapina reports that, much like Shanny, King Henrik is being flexible in negotiations with the Rangers to help the team navigate the salary cap. Thanks to that flexibility, the report states:

an announcement could come as early as this morning that Lundqvist has agreed to a one-year contract worth approximately $2.5 million. The deal is essentially a bridge to next season and beyond that will enable Lundqvist and the club to avoid their scheduled July 24 salary arbitration case while keeping the Rangers from having to unload players to get under this season's $50.3 million salary cap.

The 25-year-old goaltender will get his big-money, long-term deal soon enough. After Jan. 1, 2008, the Rangers can sign Lundqvist to a lucrative and lengthy extension for 2008-09 and beyond without affecting their '07-08 salary-cap situation. And they almost certainly will do so.


Allowing Lundqvist to hit the market next summer as a restricted free agent would be dangerous, as rival clubs might line up to make him whopping offers that would present the Rangers with this no-win option: match the offer sheet and crush themselves against the salary cap or let their franchise goaltender go for draft-pick compensation unlikely to ever produce a comparable player.

Signing Lundqvist to another short-term deal after this one also would be pointless as he could become an unrestricted free agent following the 2008-09 season.

It appears as though Sather is buying some time here to clear salary and also avoid the wounds that can be opened during salary arbitration. This is a smart move, and I hope they get this taken care of as soon as Dellapina suggests. While I liked the Gomez and Drury moves for a variety of reasons, the moves can't really be judged until we see what the true cost will be in terms of salary cap sacrifices. If players like Cullen and Mara are moved and replaced by kids like Staal and Dubinsky, then these big free agent singnings were well worth it. However, if these moves ever cost them the cap maneuverability to keep King Henrik on Broadway long term, then these moves would be a disaster. I don't see that happening. Both sides want to make this work, and I think they will be able to get a one-year deal done in short order and then a long-term deal done sometime next year.