Why Shattenkirk Was the Best Name in the NHL Draft

This past weekend the NHL draft came and went. This was actually the first draft I can remember watching with any interest, simply because I knew about it ahead of time and NHL hockey has become an accepted obsession in my household these last two years (more on this at a later date). Anyway, I had a smidgen of knowledge about some of the highly touted picks, but my main reason for watching was to use my highly scientific methods to determine who has the best NAME for the NHL. That is, which players SOUND like NHL'ers to me? Why is this important? One of my social gaffs is to give NHL player names to hostesses at restaurants just to see how they attempt to pronounce and spell them. Sadly, Ponikarovsky is too easy to sound out phonetically. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the some of the draftees and names, all meant to be in good fun:

PATRICK KANE - Sounds like the alter ego for a superhero. Trust me, I've read a ton of comics and this name would fit perfectly for any cape or cowl created after say 1989. Subsequently, he'll need super-powers because the 'Hawks will likely be firmly on his shoulders in a couple of years.
JAMES VAN RIEMSDYK - I don't know why, but this kid's name makes me think of Dawson's Creek. That can't be good for hockey in general or the Flyers.
KYLE TURRIS - Strong name, but doesn't really jump out at ya. Kinda like the Coyotes. They SOUND like they would be a strong team, but ...For some reason I also say his name with a bad Scottish accent when I say it out loud. Good times.
THOMAS HICKEY - If this kid doesn't have bulletproof skin after having grown up with a name that is synonymous with teenagers making out in the back of cars, he has real issues. Then again, so do the Kings. This may be my favorite so far.
KARL ALZNER - Sounds like a cross between Pilsner beer and Alzheimer’s. I dub thee Karl "the forgetful Drunk" Alzner!! No that doesn't really work... Still, if forgetful drunks can be the mayor of DC, maybe this kid will turn out OK for the Caps.
JAKUB VORACEK - This kid should be a voracious checker. I mean, look at his name!!! Couldn't the BJ's demand their money back due to false advertising if he turns out to be soft?
ZACH HAMILL - The mysterious love child of Zak from "Saved by the Bell" and Dorothy Hamill. Or was it Mark Hamill from Star Wars? Wouldn't it be cool if he spoke in the Joker's voice and was a great gymnast? Then maybe Boston could get some of their fans back.
LARS ELLER - Wasn't this guy a James Bond villain once? Really? No? Coulda swore...
KEVIN SHATTENKIRK - Wow. Just wow. Tons of possibilities here. Like when he destroys some fool into the boards, you can say "He just Shattenkirk-ed that dude!" or if he dangles the puck and puts a ridiculous move on a goalie you can exclaim "He was Shattenkirk-ed out of his jock!"
ALEXEI CHEREPANOV - Share-a-pawn-off?? I don't know, that sounds questionable to me...
IAN COLE - His name sounds like a Blue to me for some reason. Strong, understated. Playing for the Golden Dome next season.
ANGELO ESPOSITO - One of the best names in the draft. Do his friends call him Angel? Like the vampire? He'd have to have some special abilities to be taken by the Pens, who have plenty of depth at center. I questioned this pick because I just don't see him on this team.
RILEY NASH - My son's name plus "Nash". I have a bias against the name Nash ever since that horrible show with Don Johnson and Cheech. Terrible TV. Mixed bag with this name though. Sounds hockey-ish though. Only the Oilers will know for sure.
JONATHON BLUM - If his hockey career doesn't take off, I could definitely see his name on the letterhead of an accounting firm somewhere. And God knows Nashville could use an accountant right now...
MIKAEL BACKLUND - I wish my first name was spelled like that. Noooooooooooooooo, my dad had to drop the 'a' from the traditional spelling of Michael, so I got to start every first day of school with "Michelle? Michelle?" Thanks, pops. Thanks for nothing.
NICHOLAS PETRECKI - I'm a fan of the name Nicholas, as it's my little brother's name. "Nick Petrecki" could play havoc with some hostesses. This name has potential.
JAMES O'BRIEN - He's going to be a Golden Gopher next year. Plus, this is like the 5th name that sounds like I would run into him at one of my wife's family reunions. I wasn't aware that there were this many strong hockey genes from Ireland and Scotland. No wonder Theo Fleury played over there!

And the winner? Gotta go with Shattenkirk. There's even a loose possibility that there will be William Shatner references in his future. That and he's an Avalanche prospect now, so I have to like him! Unfortunately, he's also an "offensive-minded" defenseman, which they seem to have a wealth of these days. I'm not the first to comment on this, nor will I likely be the last. Still, Shattenkirk isn't expected to fill a need next season for the Avs, but is more of a depth pick, in my opinion.